Waco Texas to Change Name to "Magnolia Springs" to Honor Chip & Joanne Gaines
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The City of Waco City Council will not meet in Executive Session on Saturday July 08, 2017 to consider an Executive Action to rename the City of Waco in honor of the financial contribution made to the area by Chip and Joanna Gaines.
“They are our saviors! We are ready to make a huge statue of Chip and Joanna bigger than the one of Sam Houston on IH45 north of Houston and put it on Interstate 35 in MAGNOLIA SPRINGS and light it up at night for the world to see our adoration!” stated Dr. Ima Canard*, Director of the newly formed Waco Council on Advisory and Celebrity Adoration (CACA).
If the measure passes, Waco will be renamed “Magnolia Springs” in honor of the many “Magnolia”-named businesses owned, operated, and marketed by the Gaines’ empire estimated to be over One Billion dollars in value and growing exponentially by the hour.
Waco was founded in 1849 after Anglo settlers drove the Huaco (Waco) Native Americans from their homes. The city grew and in the 1880’s was often referred to as “The Athens of The West” due to the abundance of various and numerous colleges located in and around the city.
Once boasting the longest suspension bridge in the world that served as a crossing point for cattle being driven to northern markets on “The Chisholm Trail”, Waco suffered a devastating tornado on May 11, 1953 which totally refaced the downtown area and resulted in at least 114 deaths. Baylor University is located primarily in Waco.
Once known as “Six-Gun Junction”, Waco is still known by its’ colorful and violent history. The Branch Davidian Standoff in 1993 and The Twin Peaks Shootout in 2015 are just two examples of the violent nature of the city.
But City of Waco officials are more than eager to honor Chip and Joanne Gaines’ contribution to the local economy. One Waco City Councilman stated “We are more than happy to move ahead with this great city’s future by acknowledging the entity that saved us from the cesspool of mediocrity and financial ruin. We could care less about “Waco’s” past – we are ready to move onto “Magnolia Springs” future. We have The Gaines’ and we have Baylor – what else do we need?”
It has already been discovered by this reporter that the city Street Sign Department is already busy at work designing the new signs which will great visitors on every road leading into the city: “Magnolia Springs (Home of THE Silos, Magnolia Market, Magnolia Realty, the former Elite Cafe Now Called ‘Magnolia Table”)”
As there already exists a “Magnolia, Texas”, the new name pays homage to The Gaines’ financial wizardry that has pumped multiple millions of dollars into local coffers, as well as drive-up Property Taxes for already over-burdened residents and business owners. "Springs" pays homage to the morons who still refer to a local community - China Spring" as China SpringS".
Many local citizens were at first amused and amazed by the over-exposure and hype for what amounts to a reality show for tepid morons with disposable cash. They report continually shaking their heads at the almost zombie-like fashion in which the tourists - looking and acting like gullible sheep - arrive, spend money at what amounts to an over-priced Pottery Barn, and then leave the city after spending thousands of dollars on what are most probably Garage Sale and Flea Market leftovers.
One local biker, who agreed only to speak under conditions we do not reveal his name, told us “I do not blame them for making a buck and exploiting the jaded and stupid, but I do get sick of seeing their photo everywhere. We all know that show is a scam – the people on the show have already bought their new house and contracted the scrapbooking lady and her handy-man hubby to fix it up, but what is the attraction for a show there? Under that premise – every show is a lie, but those sheep love it and keep throwing money at them!”
If you’ve made it this far and have yet to figure out, then you better be told – this is a prank and I cannot believe you read this much. It was the fact that The Gaines’ had a billboard on IH35 just north of town with their photos on it declaring that “We Love Waco”… that broke the straw in this camel’s back. Well of course you love Waco – er, I mean – Magnolia Springs! I have nothing at all against you except seeing your faces everywhere. You are making millions off of jaded reality show viewers, you get more media exposure than local crime and politics (sometimes one and the same), and you are responsible for blowing the economic bubble that is going to break one of these days – like they always do!
But, you gotta make hay while the sun shines, so go for it.”
* ca·nard
k??när(d)/Submit
Noun
Definition: An unfounded rumor or story.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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