Man Found Sexually Assaulting Pumpkins In Elyria Trailer Park
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Police struggled to described what was quite possibly, the most heinous crime scene they've ever seen.
Around 11pm on October 28, Elyria Police were dispatched to a mobile home park because of a complaint of "public nudity, destruction of property and public intoxication"
Upon arrival, police noted several destroyed pumpkins and broken liquor bottles littering the streets. Upon further investigation, police apprehended Nathaniel Merriweather 26, who was apparently very intoxicated and preforming unspeakable acts against the festive neighborhood decorations.
During his arrest, Merriweather stated "I'm going to fuck all of these pumpkins to death!"
And, "The Illuminati stole my seman."
Merriweather is currently being held in Lorain County Jail awaiting a bond hearing.
The supervisor of the mobile home park stated "We do not condone this kind of shitnado within our parks. It was only a matter of time before he was arrested for something..."
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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