WORLD RECORD: World's Smallest Micropenis Now Belongs to Edinburgh Man
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While "micropenis" may conjure up images of rulers, embarrassment, and unsatisfaction, a new phallic discovery in Edinburgh, Scotland is destroying these misconceptions. 17 year old Jamie Cole of Gilmerton is the new world record holder for the smallest micropenis ever reported.
Micropenis, occurring in around 0.06 of males, is an exceedingly rare condition resulting in an abnormally small penis. Untreatable and shrouded in shame, sufferers often keep their condition hidden out of embarrassment. Jamie Cole is considered "exceedingly brave" by accomplished historian Lee Gilmore, who specializes in penis size throughout history. "Pats on the back for that one," Gilmore encourages. "If it were me I wouldn't show my face, let alone blast my knob all over the news." Gilmore is not alone in his excitement that micropenis sufferers are now coming forward with their stories: Many men with the condition feel alone or ashamed, and many feel that Cole's award of the prestigious title is a step in the right direction for sufferers everywhere.
Cole's penis defies previous research on the minimum size of the average micropenis: With Cole's penis measuring a shocking 1.7 inches when erect and 0.8 inches when flaccid, around the size of a lima bean, his phallus is revered by physicians all over the world as a medical anomaly. These physicians reportedly are eager to conduct further case studies and research on micropenis using Cole as their primary subject, in hopes that Cole's case can be used to discover treatment for this debilitating condition.
As for Cole himself, he claims not to mind his penis: In fact, he enjoys the attention he gets for it. "Loads of girls always want to see it," he claims. "Even when they put it in their mouths, they're laughing, and the throat vibrations feel great." When asked whether or not he is worried that his penis may affect his chances with women, Cole's response was simple: "I've got nae problem with clunge". Cole proceeded to offer us a "cheeky pump and dump" before our team left the scene.
As for Cole's partners, one source we located tells a different story. "It's absolutely shite," claims the anonymous woman who claims to have had intercourse with Cole. "Like a little jellybean in your mouth."
Cole's publicity team had no further comments about these allegations other than "They love to have Cole in their hole."
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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