Local Citizen Manages to Win Obscure War-Game
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Special to Breaking News
FIRST POSTED: Monday, April 17, 2017 03:55 PM MDT | Updated: Monday, April 17, 2017 04:04 MDT
After a long winless streak, a local resident managed to best an opponent in a match of an obscure board game. "It was a sweet win," Michael Dorosh told Breaking News staff. "Made all the more sweet for being face to face."
Colin Emerson, who came up short in the contest, declined to comment on the sweetness of Dorosh's win.
"It's not American Sign Language," Dorosh said when asked about the 10-pound rules binder sitting on his gaming table. "ASL stands for Advanced Squad Leader." The game has been categorized as Dungeons and Dragons for history buffs, only less popular. Asked to describe the game in detail, Dorosh said, "Ummm....I guess it's a little bit like Risk."
Set in the Second World War, the game allows two ostensibly grown men to maneuver chits representing soldiers, tanks and guns on historically accurate maps of Europe and the Pacific. Dorosh was able to draw on his vast military experience to rout his opponent. "I was activated in the 2013 Alberta floods with my Army reserve unit," Dorosh recalled. "It was a brutal weekend. They made us eat Cheetos for breakfast."
That experience may well have prepared him for his triumph at ASL on Saturday. After a losing streak of semi-weekly games dating back to January, Dorosh was able to forge a Cheeto-fuelled victory over Emerson on April 15. Recreating the assault of New Zealand troops on Monte Cassino in early 1944, the game came down to the last turn.
"Total bulls---," Emerson said when reached for comment. "The f---ing concealment rules are complete bollocks. Whoever wrote them should have their head examined. My classic hammer and anvil defence is theoretically unbeatable when you leave out all the really stupid rules."
Reports of violence during the match have been exaggerated, Dorosh says. "There may have been some unintended displacement of a counter or two. Colin's an emotional guy. The enjoyment of playing him is directly proportional to the amount of danger I feel I'm in when the rules go against him."
A rematch has not yet been scheduled.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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