NAVY REFUSE TO COMMENT ON CHINE SUB IN LAKE ERIE
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A Chinese submarine may be operating in the waters of Lake Erie.
Commander Samuel Terrance, Public Affairs Officer for the Ninth Naval District in Chicago Illinois, today refused to give any clear explanation of the Chinese submarine reported to be operating in Lake Erie.
"The Navy has - to the best of my knowledge - no information on the Type 093 Yuan class submarine supposed to be operating in our inland waters."
Commander Terrance's somewhat cryptic denial was not echoed by another source, who asked to remain unidentified. "How would we know? This is a training base. We don't have a lot of ASW (anti-submarine warfare) assets on the lake."
In spite of the Navy's refusal to comment, there is a mounting trail of evidence to support the fear. Seven unidentified fortune cookie wrappers have washed ashore between Erie Pa, and Port Clinton, Ohio. Additionally a suspicious pair of chopsticks was left on a Bass Island (Ohio) beach along with one hundred and six - at last count - empty Tsingtao beer bottles.
The final hard evidence came on the evening of July 5, when two men in an inflatable boat bought 2600 gallons of diesel fuel from the Cedar Point Marina. Said marine attendant Lyle Hottenstadt "They just stuck the hose down into the water and kept pumping for a couple hours I guess. Total bill was like maybe $13,000. And they paid for it with a credit card from the Agricultural Bank of China, They sure didn't look like farmers to me!" Mr. Hottenstadt did confirm that the two men had foreign features.
Several Buckeyes have seen, or experienced the submarine as well.
Caspar Derrin of Chardon, Ohio reports that while sturgeon fishing off Pelee Point 'Something went through my 60 pound steel line like it was greased ______. Caught my ________back line too, and _________dragged me all over the ______ lake!
Mrs. Otis Kranknapple of Marblehead, Ohio also believes she saw the submarine, or at least its periscope. "Just a hundred yards off Edgewater park beach I seen (sic) this stick poking up out of the water, and moving along left to right. And then wouldn't you know it the ___________'s daughter was straddling it and waving her top like a (foreign national) bandit! Always said she had pole dancing blood in her!
Aside from local experiences, noted naval write and commentator Norman Friedman had this to say. "The Type 093s are only 3,000 ton displacement. I imagine one could easily fit in the Welland Ship Canal.' But those ships are only diesel powered, not nuclear, so once their torpedoes are used up they're essentially harmless. Unless of course China has an unsuspected naval base in Canada.
The final word on the matter may not be known for some time, but a word of caution was offered by Lorain County (Ohio) Sheriff P.R. Stamitti - "If you should see this submarine, don't approach it. Get well back from the water and call the Sheriffs Department, or if you're not in Lorain County, Fish and Game. We know best how to deal with this sort of thing."
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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