Local teen cuts off head circulation, becomes mentally handicapped

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Local teen Jacob Chastain was seen Friday night with a box of rubber bands. It is reported one was wrapped around his head too tight and cut off his head circulation. In the process, Jacob lost 2 chromosomes and was seen eating elmers glue in his Chevy Blazer. Witnesses reported seeing him "eating glue in a seductive manner to try and turn on the females" and "extremely graphic". Jacob will be kept in a cage for the remainder of his life.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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