National Forests Shut Down for Having too Many Trees. Is your English Teacher to Blame?
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No, you didn't read that wrong, these lush forests are being suddenly shut down due to having too many trees over the legal limit. But is it the best thing for our planet or worse than we could've ever imagined?
On Friday the environmental association released a new set of rules on the greenery limitations surrounding our national forests. National parks are only allowed 20,000 trees per every 100 square miles. Any area exceeding this total will need to be thinned out imminently.
Now how on earth are we going to get an exact count of every tree in our national forests? Well with new google maps scanning technology we have been able to get an accurate reading on every tree we can spot. This technology has been only available to the developers and government officials while in the bug fixing process but will be released to the public this summer. The software is even smart enough to distinguish trees from bushes!
This new environmental uproar has not only sprouted controversy among political parties and the public, but it is also creating millions of jobs across America as we speak.
"It's hard to be the person who has to set the rules here, but thanks to the new environmental laws passed we are going to be shutting down Yellowstone and many other parks for renovation. My crew is wonderful and constructed of people who would otherwise be working less rewarding jobs and that's what really matters." explained the head project director, Jim Davis.
Davis also explained to us that if all goes well they will also be undergoing a chipping process in the forests where every tree will be individually chipped and tracked to make sure not only do they stay in the right place, but they get the water and nutrients they need to thrive. These chips should be coming by 2023.
Scientists have been tracking the oxygen and carbon dioxide intakes in the forests, and have found that the carbon dioxide levels have rapidly grown in the past 5 years.
"There are just too many people visiting." Claims tree scientist Derek Gore, "If we don't do something about these trees there will be overcrowding in the parks and underground in the roots."
This may be hard to believe, but with park attendance at an all-time low, experts only had one place to point their fingers: Mrs. Shannon Hopkins. Hopkins was unable to comment on the situation, but has been taking her English classes to the parks for trips on gaining inspiration for writing since the late 90's and is what is believed to be blamed for this excess carbon dioxide. Hopkins is also the person to be bringing people multiple times a year for this long which doesn't help her case much more. Authorities will possibly be holding her and any past or present students in custody next week, and it is yet to be discussed the changes they will be facing for this serious crime.
So remember next time you're planning your next class trip to Yellowstone or any other national forest, because not only do you want to make sure it isn't shut down but that your breathing isn't contributing to this epidemic. Maybe consider wearing a mask, or just hold your breath while writing your capstone essays.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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