AMENDED COMPLAINT FILED IN CHEERIOS FRAUD CASE By Dewey Buttums
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Elrod Penrose IV, known by his courtroom acquaintances as “Four Sticks,” has filed an amended complaint against General Mills, makers of the famous, or in the assessment of “Four Sticks,” infamous Cheerios, the breakfast cereal loved by kids (and dentists) since 1941. The original complaint, signed under oath by “Sticks,” a very successful personal injury attorney from Wilson Switch, Indiana, cited himself as the primary victim of a nationwide bait-and-switch fraud scheme perpetuated upon the American public. Since his suit was filed just two weeks ago, the U.S. District Court in New Albany, Indiana, has designated the case as a Class Action matter and to date, over 25,000 victims have been granted victim status, mostly Hollywood celebrities.
According to the original complaint, the case began when “Sticks,” as was his morning norm, poured his beloved Cheerios from his two-gallon Tupperware container into his Mickey Mouse bowl. He was struck by the fact that some of the Cheerios were of different sizes and all silver in color. “Sticks,” known as a mellow man slow to anger, didn’t complain, however, but rather continued with his routine of pouring his almond milk onto the once-tasty cereal. He then shoveled three tablespoons of sugar into his bowl and was shocked…SHOCKED…to see only two Cheerios floating atop the milky mixture. Intrigued, as well as distressed, “Sticks” scraped the bottom of his bowl and retrieved several of the O shapes onto his spoon and, after failing to masticate any, was forced to spit the garbage onto his breakfast table, along with two of his most-cherished molars. In the process, Mrs. “Sticks” was a witness to the atrocity and has since been undergoing Jungian therapy in Stuttgart, accompanied there by her confidante and pool boy, Raul.
The original complaint demanded monetary damages of $100 million dollars, free dental care for life, reimbursement of all expenses and a public and groveling apology from General Mills for defiling a cherished American institution.
In court today, however, “Sticks” amended his complaint after forensic experts testified the Cheerios weren’t actually Cheerios but rather mostly 3/8” flat washers along with numerous fender and lock washers of all sizes. Why, and more importantly how, the washers ended up in the Tupperware container is still under investigation, but “Sticks” vigorously denied that Raul’s fingerprints were on the container. The amended complaint now lists the American Hardware Association as co-defendants for failing to place much-needed warning labels on washer containers, “These Are Not Cheerios” and “Do Not Eat.” His original suit against General Mills has been amended to demand they also place warning labels on boxes of Cheerios, “Do Not Eat If They Don’t Float.”
Shortly after his courtroom appearance, “Sticks” held a news conference on the steps of the courthouse where he signed autographs and then announced a run for President in 2020.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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