Week 4 Power Rankings

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Week 4 Power Rankings

Wow. What a week of football gentleman. While the Bandits try to continue their run of dominance, the meat and potatoes of soup league are in a dog fight. Power Rankings for Week 4 are as follows.

1. Illini Pantry Bandits

The Ekeler-less bandits continue to make their presence known, shaking the very foundation of Soup League with their performance. Star performances from Deebo Samuel and Amon-Ra St. Breen kept the Bandits rolling against the Kank Btags, but a hungry Juns team is looking to inflict the second coming of Kristallnacht. Let's see if the Bandits can keep their streak alive another week.

2. Ricks Bricks

Manager Gimhof has proven one can find team success in spite of starting the worst quarterback in the league, Bustin Fields. A loaded assortment of playmakers have kept them chugging along, but is it sustainable? There are rumors around the league of discontent in the locker room, as brothers James and Dalvin Bik tarred and feathered Puka Nacua for what they suspected to be Mexican heritage. Gim will need to rally the troops in order to face a starving Gynecologists team.

3. 63rd Kingston Hypes

Manager / Coach / Racist Tom Hull has been faced with steep competition, but don't let his 1-2 record fool you. While it is true that he needs to send one of his WR's to Hutsonville, he has still managed an impressive point output. His runningback and TE core are nothing short of abhorrent, but this is a dangerous team. During a mandatory media press conference, Hull told reporters "I still have massive confidence in Cam Akers. He may be a lazy black, but he's also a hell of a specimen." Reporters were befuddled with his answer, but few can understand the intellect of the Tinley Park product. He'll face off against the Diggers in a rematch of last year's Mid Bowl.

4. Kankakee Diggers

Some would say the Diggers are lucky to find themselves at 2-1, and they would be correct. Averaging just over 90 points a game through 3 weeks is typically a sign of a dysfunctional team, but manager Ethan McNiggley finds a way to win ball games. Team nutritionist Carkey McNiggley has implemented new Kankakee staples into the teams diets, including his world famous Beaverville pizza. Expect fireworks as they face off against the Hypes.

5. NPC Juns

Looking up and down this teams roster, I almost hold the fuck on Dame just went to the Bucks. What the fuck is this stupid ass shit. He was supposed to be a Bull! Hope Giannis tears something

6. Hutsonville Jeep Repair

A much needed win for Jeep Repair puts them right back in the running. All the outside noise means nothing to this hard nosed team. The Bears are the worst team in football but somehow DJ Moore still put up decent points. Garret Wilson is unbelievably cooked. But when you have Bijan and a manager with a gorgeous cock, anything is possible. Jeep in fo...

7. DuFraud

Admittedly this is a solid squad. But I'll be damned if I ever took Dak as my starting QB. He will be their downfall. James Conner is still cheeks but somehow the Cardinals only weapon. However they still couldn't get it done against the lowly Jeep Repair, and they'll look to get back on track this week facing off against the Btags

8. Kank Tags

Didn't really mean to put them this far down but just forgot about them. Really just a forgettable team. Joe Shiesty has lost all of his white boy funk and Derrick Henry is being slowed down by that gigantic turd of a dread coming out of his helmet. Losing Saquon for an extended period of time hurts, but there's no reason the Btags shouldn't be able to turn this thing around. Look for a big week out of them.

9. Jim Rubs Gynecologists

This team rivals the Hypes in terms of having the shittiest runningback room. It would seem manager Likata has lost all faith in Dameon Pierce, and the team in general seems to be a bit directionless at this stage of the season. There are ways to claw back to relevancy, but it will take some serious balls for Dan Licala to get it done. A move to watch for would be sending Chase to Jeep Repair for Etienne and Allegier....

10. Freshman


This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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