Local Diesel Mechanic Dies Violently
Friday 15 October 2059 79169 Shares
Local Diesel Mechanic, Logan Miller, 20, of Goshen, Indiana, died violently on Friday, August 20, after an 18 wheeler wiped him slap ass right off the face of the earth in an accident on his way home from work.
Officer Roan reported that he shared Logan’s final moments on this earth with him, which he claims were not pleasant. Roan says that Logan complained about how this was the governments fault, although no connection has been found, and how he had a cigarette in his mouth but did not have a lighter. When officer Roan refused to find a lighter Logan said, “If I’m gonna die, I’d like to at least die buzzed.” Officer Roan then obliged.
Although not asked to, the coroner contacted us and said that he would like to release a statement, which is as follows. “The nicotine content in Miller’s blood stream, or at least what was left of the blood, is the highest I have ever seen in my entire life! And the caffeine content was just as unbearable, I’m not sure how his body held together.”
When asked about his accident with the 18 wheeler, both of his parents claimed this to be a “fitting” ending to Logan’s rough life. His father said, “All he did was complain about how much he hates Peterbilts, (I) suppose it’s only fitting that he gets hit by one.”
Logan will be remembered through his involvement in 4H, local women, and his work ethic. Logan has been said to touch the lives of many people in the surrounding area, although some wish they had never met him. He was a natural asshole and a true moron.
Logan’s parents claimed that many people have been asking about wether or not he would be buried in his old Chevy truck. His father said, “We will not be burying him in the truck, the truck will simply be scraped.” An hour later we received a call from the coroner where he said, “I had to strap the fucker down to the table because he just wouldn’t stop spinning, makes no sense normally they don’t do it until they’re in their grave.”
Viewings will not be held due to there not being much to look at, although he will be buried face down as he requested. The reading of the Will has already been done, where he passed everything he had down to his brothers with a note that simply said, “This junk is your problem now.”
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