Girl found with 3 grams of cocaine inserted in colon

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In the early hours of this morning Shannon Whelan (19) was found in possession of 3 grams of cocaine that she had managed to insert into her ass.
Witnesses say Whelan striped off her clothes, running naked through the fields and into Tesco, Donamede, before the Guards were called to the scene.

One witness, Jessica Fay (17) said "she was pure raging like running around like a mad yoke, she must have hit like 60 km/ph while shoving more coke in her arse like fair plate to her".

Shocked and disturbed by the scene, onlookers claimed she threatened their grandmothers allegedly shouting "I'll put your nanny in a box!" Shortly before being restrained by police down the frozen meat section.

When confronted by the Gardaí, Whelan said she did it for "a bit of Craic like" and that she likes to feel "the wind between [her] flaps when [she] runs".

When police searched the Whelan Househould, Donamede area, they found another 11 grams of cocaine had been inserted into the colon of the family's pet pug Nugget.

When confronted about his partaking in the crime Nugget (9 months) exclaimed "whaddayatalkinabeet" before escaping out the door, leaving 'a mushroom cloud of cocaine' and a trail down the street.

Whelan has been taken into custody for further questioning while Nugget still remains at large.

If anyone has any information of the two suspects or the whereabouts of Nugget, they are advised to contact the local authorities.

Nugget has been described as "a Fucking mad cunt like" and has been labeled as a dangerous individual and a public safety warning has been issued because he will 'ride pure anything with a heartbeat'.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.