Week 9 Rankings
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Gentleman and Duvall, welcome back to the Soup Times 9th Power Rankings of the season. A tumultuous week 8 left many wondering why Daly never boned me a second time, but all questions have an answer. Let's dig in.
1. Illini Pantry Bandits
Woaaaaah Nelly! The bandits are pissed! They routed Tinley Hull's team for a 45 point victory behind the work of Alvin Kaleshi, who has been going off since returning, after he was suspended 4 games for getting head from Allison and having a 3 way with Konneck and that other ugly chick. Post trade Bandits are looking scary, as they emphatically shook off the fraud allegations. They're onto Kank to face the Diggers.
2. Ricks Bricks
1b would be a more apt ranking for this Bricks squad, but the Soup Times don't play no half ranking bullshit. The Bricks put the work on former 1 NPC Juns, as CMC and AJ Brown carried them heavily. This team is a powerhouse, with or without Bustin Fields in play. The Bricks go marching into OBlock to shoot up the struggling Hypes in Week 9.
3. Hutsonville Jeep Repair
Week in and week out, this team just puts points on the board. While it hasn't translated to the leagues best record, you can't deny the results of this team's coaching. We asked coach Sheen, "how do you lead the league in points with such an average looking lineup?". Sheen laughed, then cried, then angrily stood up and accused the soup times of racism and being ableist. The only comment he gave to our reporters was "BLM" and "take the boots from that sexy M'n'M".
4. Jim Rub Gynecologists
Call this more of a projection than current ranking, but if you thought Coach Dan Piñata's team will be down for long, then you haven't been paying attention. With such a gritty, smart, hard working group lead by Josh Allen, Kittle, and Brandon Aubrey, these white boys are sure to have their day of reckoning. At 3-5, they may not seem like much, but they've gained steam as weeks go on. They inspect the vaginal cavities of Carmela Heinisch in Week 9.
5. NPC Juns
A short tenure at 1 was disappointing, but shouldn't discourage the Juns too much. They still hold solid playoff seeding and their best football is ahead of them. Falling short to the Bricks hurts, but horrible outputs from Kelce and Kenneth Walker aren't expected to be repeated. A little more Joes and a little more Kank Sauce in this lineup should get things movin in the right direction. They're off to rub Ric's Yummy Tummy in week 9.
6. Kankakee Diggers
Ethan McKankWheelNigFleece told reporters that Aaron Jones will be flipping pizza dough at the 'ville if he keeps this kind of play up. Often injured and so far disappointing, Jones only has a few more weeks to prove his worth. Despite this, they came up just short to Jeep Repair. It would be a massive help to this squad it Calkins Ridley would step it up. They look to upset the Bandits in week 9.
7. Ric's Yummy Tummy
With the fraud allegations moved squarely off his chest, manager Jack Duvall told Soup Times he feels like a brand new man. Heading into Sunday, he plans to use 2 full bottles of hair gel instead of the one to get his day going. "The straighter it stands, the more sluts show they cans, that's what I always say", Duvall muttered at the media podium. While still 3-5 with no signs of improvement, you can't fault this guys confidence. They look to send the Juns to Guantamo this week.
8. Kank Kunkas
A valiant performance from the Kunks was all for nought, as they were overshadowed by Jim Rub and his love of puss. However, this didn't stop the Kunks from shoring up their defenses for a pivotal battle with Jeep Repair. Currently projected to win, their success rests solely on the shoulders of Colts receiver Michael Mussman Jr, as he hopes to cook burgers and take it in the butt on the way to victory. I don't see it happening, but let the little man dream....
9. 63rd Kingston Hypes
This brotha's runningback room is downright terrorism, however he does have a chance for a major upset over the crippled Bricks this week. Manager Hull told Soup Times he hopes he can get it done, but if he has a bad performance, he can go to his tried and true response, "sorry this was my first time". The league would love to see a Hypes win here.
10. Carmela Heinisch
Another unfulfilling week has lead to manager Dillman declaring a firesale. However, the sheer underperformance of his top shelf players has instilled fear in other managers, and no one wants to come close. If he were to ask me, I would tell him to text his friend saying he's dropping everyone on his team and then make the whole league angry at him. That's what beasts do
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
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