Harold Ribb to become Pope

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Pope Francis, citing his desire to spend more time exploring “alternative religions” has abdicated his position as the Supreme Pontiff. In a surprising move the Cardinal Electors have selected an Austin man, Harold Ribb, to succeed Pope Francis as Bishop of the Holy See. Although a controversial decision, the election of a non-priest is not without precedent. Pope Gregory XVI was selected in 1831 before being named a bishop, and Pope Leo X was selected in 1513 despite not first being a priest. The conclave of cardinals explained their decision noting that Pope-elect Harold “has so many stories, no normal man could have lived them all” and that they must be Divinely inspired. They also note that Harold died and was resurrected in 1977 although they stopped short of attributing it as a miracle of Harold’s making. But perhaps the most significant factor is Harold’s willingness to wear gaudy headgear in public. “Before Francis, the Popes always wore big, ridiculous hats. Then Francis adopted this whole humble, don’t-steal-the-show-from-God thing. We’re confident that by selecting Harold Ribb as Pope, ridiculous hats will once again be the norm at the Vatican,” said a cardinal elector who spoke under the condition of anonymity as he was not authorized to discuss the selection process. New Mexico band Hilltop Stompers is expected to perform at Pope Harold’s ordination.

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